Monday, March 21, 2011

Endometriosis Awareness Day 21

     Letting it Out

     People ask me: "How are you always sick, or in pain? You look healthy, also your always (with husband) taking your son every where, and if you take so many meds how come you still have pain?"
     I must say it hurts to hear that in some way, of course I'm happy that i don't look in the outside the same way i look in my inside...Gosh it would be horrible! Most people can't understand that even with all this meds "we" still suffer not every pain day is easy to handle, and yes i take my son every where i "we" can, it's not fair for him to be stuck at home with a sick mom almost everyday so every week we do something special with him or at least every 2 weeks!
     Now what to people expect? Me to cry on the floor in front of my son? Or to have him home all the time? Sorry that's not us, we have a very specific way of educating our child and a child needs and deserves to be a child! I hide as much as possible in front of him i don't like it when he sees me in pain it hurts so much to see him getting sad, the other day i fainted and smashed the car, when my husband came with him, i heard him asking "Daddy did mommy died?" it was so hurtful to hear that come from his mouth, he was crying so much!
     My point is that YES we have or try to have a normal life for our son. i take my meds, to help as much as they can and when i can i take him to the park and watch him play with his friends, we or me take him to Museums, to Zoo's or Aquariums anything we find it's ok for him! But everything is about trying to forget for some hours all my health issue and enjoy as a family!!
     We have been having a hard time with my health specially because i don't have health insurance, it might seem easy and you can maybe just say oh just don't pay or get an agreement to pay monthly, but most specialists they won't even see you if you don't have health insurance, i just had 2 Urologists that denied seeing me because of it, they said that it wasn't worth for them to see me, consultation alone was $500 and the tests they would require would go over $1000 so he said you know you can't afford it so don't bother with spending the $500!!
     Then i have my Endo DR he has been my DR for 10years i love him soo much, he is more then a DR, he is my friend and an Angel! For over 1 year he hasn't charged me for 1 consultation at all...some of my meds he even tries to get samplers, I'm very glad and blessed to have him but then it's again like he said he is stuck because there is so much that i need to do and he cant help, so when i need surgery he and his friend he is DR. Luciano from New Britain CT (is also a Endo specialist) do as much as i can but also depending on what i paid! it's horrible living this way...i have another surgery soon in the way and i so pray i will be able to get the insurance thru my husband business so they can finally do things lil by lil that way i can do all the MRI, all CT scans all the blood work...just everything!!! Because of not having much money my DR tries to not make me due all the tests even thou we know sooner or later i do need them! Same as now with this fainting issue...i need money or insurance to pay for all the tests but finding the money is a BIG problem!!!
     I hate how this Endo changed my life so much, i remember the DR telling me: "lets start with the IVF and you'll be pain free, your Endo will disappear, it's only bad before a women has a child" SURE what a lie that was...after the IVF and during the pregnancy my pain was HELL...just horrible and as soon Giovanny was born it got extremely worse, i had surgery 2 months after giving birth!!
     I feel horrible for my husband he works so hard to give us everything, leaves at 4am gets home at 7pm or 8pm, he tries to do it all alone so he doesn't have to pay anyone for labor, but i know he needs help! I feel hopeless and stuck against a wall, cuz i know we need him to work this hard my monthly meds and Pain specialist and therapy costs us around $1400 (every month) it's alot of money!
     But yeah with all this issues we still don't show it, to everyone we are a normal couple, normal bills, he works when he wants, money comes and goes, i have the good life staying home, Giovanny best clothes all the time...bla bla bla...this is all i hear from this stupid people but they don't have a clue what REALLY GOES INSIDE HERE!!!

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