Today I was confronted by a stranger about a topic that many people feel they have a right to talk to me about. Marriage. Specifically my lack there of with my boyfriend and father of my child. I knew when we decided to have a baby pre-marriage that this would come up. Especially when it became public knowledge that not only did we get pregnant before we were married but oh dear, we were trying to! Silly me, I thought when people found out that my pregnancy wasn't an 'oopsie' pregnancy it was planned they would feel better about it. I was wrong. I had someone (a friend's mother) say to me
"Do you not know what causes that?"(as if pregnancy was a disease - one cured by marriage)
"Yes ma'am I'm aware how pregnancy happens. Tyrone and I are actually quite aware of how it happens considering we were trying and seeing a fertility doctor."
"oh my"
"Thank you. I'm very happy about it too. What a blessing."
Sometimes you just have to laugh. I thought I'd share with her that my boyfriend probably knows more about a woman's cycle then she did but I kept that one to myself. She was already in shock.
I knew that the second I announced that we were having a baby I would get questions about getting married. I understand to some people that this goes hand in hand. I get that, I do. It's how it was done years ago. (I'd also like to throw in here that years ago you didn't live with your boyfriend of another race ... in the same house as your grandmother. Just putting it out there) I joked around saying that my responses would be filled with smart-ass remarks like "No I got what I wanted. I'm done now, thank you" and "I thought I'd try for one baby of each race" and "I've decided to come out of the closet now that I have a bun in the oven" so on and so forth because I found amusement in this. However, when it came down to it I just said "not now" and "in time." There was a time, after announcing my exciting news and after being questioned about marriage for the 50th time I wanted to scream "I AM NOT ANNOUNCING MY MARRIAGE I AM ANNOUNCING MY PREGNANCY. THANK YOU." Again, I understand some people feel this is the way to do it. Really the way to 'do it' is to be married first. So if I've already messed up YOUR plans for me what does it matter? I certainly wasn't going to run to the court house to get married. I'm just thinking of this now, I wonder if people thought I should/would do that? It got to a point where I felt like people were taking away from my big announcement with their need to make it okay in their minds. To me that's what it boils down to. You'd be more comfortable with me having a baby if I was married. I'm more than open to taking donations for my wedding. Hell, I'll give you my bank account you can make a direct deposit to my savings for me. This news was exciting for us. Maybe I didn't phrase it right when I called people/announced on facebook. Maybe instead of saying 'guess what? we're going to have a baby' I should have said "I suffer from Endometriosis and have always been scared of infertility. i was told by my doctors that it may not be possible. After 5 months of not ovulating at all and worrying it may be true, I may be infertile.. with the help of a fertility doctor and fertility medications we are pregnant! Thank the Lord, we have truly been blessed." Maybe then the questions of my marriage would have been postponed. Probably not.
So, today I was at a baby shower of a friend of mine. We were all walking around mingling and such before everything started and I was approached by a woman I didn't know. She introduced herself and we started talking. She asked what I did and I said I was a stay at home mother and a student. She thought this was wonderful! Then asked "So, you are married?" No ma'am. "Oh a single parent?" no ma'am. The next twenty minutes was filled with questions and statements like:
What does your boyfriend do?
- this is how we determined that she actually knows my boyfriend because she banks with his work-
Well why aren't you married?
There MUST be a reason why
He's such a good guy if YOU don't marry him he'll get away. You don't want that do you?
How long have you been together?
REALLY and you aren't married yet?
Is it because you don't have a good father figure in your life?
Oh is it because you don't have a father to walk you down the isle?
Well there must be a reason!
You'd reap the financial benefits of marrying him!
He really is a good guy
So do you just want to be a single parent? No.. because I'm not?!
Yes.. all of this and more from a women who I do not know. She went on to talk about God wants us to be married and it's not okay to have children without being married (SHIP HAS SAILED SWEETIE!). I was as polite as I could be. I was in a church (which obviously I should not have been because God was going to strike me down any minute) and did not want to cause a scene. I figured the best thing to do was bite my tongue and walk away then complain about it later. Someone suggested later on that I should have said "Thank you ma'am but God is not too busy to watch out for me, I think you can take the day off." I love the people I surround myself with.. By the way all the rude, out of place comments I've gotten come from die hard Christians. Does the bible not say that only God is the one to judge me? I don't understand...
Here is what I want everyone to know. We will be getting married. One day. That day may be this year that day may be 5 years from now but the day will come. I'd love to be able to get married now. I'd love to be married on Nov 11 actually (11 11 11 - haha) however we don't have the money for it. One thing I'd like everyone to keep in mind though is a piece of paper that gives me a new last name does not change our parenting capabilities. I'll still be the same mommy from before. He'll still be the same daddy from before. That piece of paper in no way changes how much we love our baby. WE are perfectly happy the way we are. I am in love with the most amazing man who I know I'll spend the rest of my life with, he is my biggest support system and the very best father there is. A piece of paper will not change that and I don't need it to validate the love I have.
"Do you not know what causes that?"(as if pregnancy was a disease - one cured by marriage)
"Yes ma'am I'm aware how pregnancy happens. Tyrone and I are actually quite aware of how it happens considering we were trying and seeing a fertility doctor."
"oh my"
"Thank you. I'm very happy about it too. What a blessing."
Sometimes you just have to laugh. I thought I'd share with her that my boyfriend probably knows more about a woman's cycle then she did but I kept that one to myself. She was already in shock.
I knew that the second I announced that we were having a baby I would get questions about getting married. I understand to some people that this goes hand in hand. I get that, I do. It's how it was done years ago. (I'd also like to throw in here that years ago you didn't live with your boyfriend of another race ... in the same house as your grandmother. Just putting it out there) I joked around saying that my responses would be filled with smart-ass remarks like "No I got what I wanted. I'm done now, thank you" and "I thought I'd try for one baby of each race" and "I've decided to come out of the closet now that I have a bun in the oven" so on and so forth because I found amusement in this. However, when it came down to it I just said "not now" and "in time." There was a time, after announcing my exciting news and after being questioned about marriage for the 50th time I wanted to scream "I AM NOT ANNOUNCING MY MARRIAGE I AM ANNOUNCING MY PREGNANCY. THANK YOU." Again, I understand some people feel this is the way to do it. Really the way to 'do it' is to be married first. So if I've already messed up YOUR plans for me what does it matter? I certainly wasn't going to run to the court house to get married. I'm just thinking of this now, I wonder if people thought I should/would do that? It got to a point where I felt like people were taking away from my big announcement with their need to make it okay in their minds. To me that's what it boils down to. You'd be more comfortable with me having a baby if I was married. I'm more than open to taking donations for my wedding. Hell, I'll give you my bank account you can make a direct deposit to my savings for me. This news was exciting for us. Maybe I didn't phrase it right when I called people/announced on facebook. Maybe instead of saying 'guess what? we're going to have a baby' I should have said "I suffer from Endometriosis and have always been scared of infertility. i was told by my doctors that it may not be possible. After 5 months of not ovulating at all and worrying it may be true, I may be infertile.. with the help of a fertility doctor and fertility medications we are pregnant! Thank the Lord, we have truly been blessed." Maybe then the questions of my marriage would have been postponed. Probably not.
So, today I was at a baby shower of a friend of mine. We were all walking around mingling and such before everything started and I was approached by a woman I didn't know. She introduced herself and we started talking. She asked what I did and I said I was a stay at home mother and a student. She thought this was wonderful! Then asked "So, you are married?" No ma'am. "Oh a single parent?" no ma'am. The next twenty minutes was filled with questions and statements like:
What does your boyfriend do?
- this is how we determined that she actually knows my boyfriend because she banks with his work-
Well why aren't you married?
There MUST be a reason why
He's such a good guy if YOU don't marry him he'll get away. You don't want that do you?
How long have you been together?
REALLY and you aren't married yet?
Is it because you don't have a good father figure in your life?
Oh is it because you don't have a father to walk you down the isle?
Well there must be a reason!
You'd reap the financial benefits of marrying him!
He really is a good guy
So do you just want to be a single parent? No.. because I'm not?!
Yes.. all of this and more from a women who I do not know. She went on to talk about God wants us to be married and it's not okay to have children without being married (SHIP HAS SAILED SWEETIE!). I was as polite as I could be. I was in a church (which obviously I should not have been because God was going to strike me down any minute) and did not want to cause a scene. I figured the best thing to do was bite my tongue and walk away then complain about it later. Someone suggested later on that I should have said "Thank you ma'am but God is not too busy to watch out for me, I think you can take the day off." I love the people I surround myself with.. By the way all the rude, out of place comments I've gotten come from die hard Christians. Does the bible not say that only God is the one to judge me? I don't understand...
Here is what I want everyone to know. We will be getting married. One day. That day may be this year that day may be 5 years from now but the day will come. I'd love to be able to get married now. I'd love to be married on Nov 11 actually (11 11 11 - haha) however we don't have the money for it. One thing I'd like everyone to keep in mind though is a piece of paper that gives me a new last name does not change our parenting capabilities. I'll still be the same mommy from before. He'll still be the same daddy from before. That piece of paper in no way changes how much we love our baby. WE are perfectly happy the way we are. I am in love with the most amazing man who I know I'll spend the rest of my life with, he is my biggest support system and the very best father there is. A piece of paper will not change that and I don't need it to validate the love I have.
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People are dumb IMO. We're engaged - and actually talked about getting married before we got pregnant. When he proposed while I was pregnant everyone assumed it was because of the baby. Everyone wanted us to run off to the court house or have a cheap small wedding. They still do. Apparently if you get married after having a baby your supposed to skip the dress and stuff and just "get it over with".
ReplyDeleteOur wedding date was going to be 11-11-11! We even have a chapel reserved for that day that I need to call and let go of!
Hell Yes!
ReplyDeleteDon't get me started! Don't let them bug you. You know what you are doing. And if I say anything else I am going to rant. And well, we are on the same side :)
ReplyDelete