Saturday afternoon after going to a local consignment shop to see some ladies, I went to Lowes to make a copy of a key to the consignment shop because I was going to start work there a few days later. I had trouble walking from the car to the store, through the store, then back to the car. Once I got back to the store I had to park the car and walk inside obviously. I wiped my tears that were already forming in my eyes away and went inside. I did not want to cry at these friends. I like to go every Saturday and pretend I have no pain. I like to pretend this this disease doesn't affect my everyday life. Which, in all reality, is ridiculous. I know that every week is not going to be a good week, I know that eventually this was going to happen and if not one of them was bound to run in to me at a store where I'm being wheeled around in a wheel chair because it hurts too much to walk. But it's hard. When someone first learns about me having Endometriosis they feel bad for me. The first time someone sees me break down and sob because I can't walk, sit, stand, do anything they want justice. And it breaks my heart every time I have to tell them there isn't a cure and most likely won't be one any time soon. Hurts worse to lie to them and say 'maybe' to their 'it'll get better's. I just wanted to be happy carefree Nicole. I just wanted to be Mommy Nicole. I just wanted to be friend Nicole. I didn't want to be Endo Nicole. I tried my best to keep it separate. I work hard on my fake smile - which may seem silly to most but I understand how hard it is to constantly see someone in pain, upset, crying, sad. Anyway, so I walked in and one of my friends said I was procrastinating going to school and I cried. I was in too much pain to walk to the door of the shop which was on flat ground. At the school I had to park, walk through the parking lot, up the ramp, in to the building, down the hallway and into the testing center. Then I'd have to sit there take the test, walk back, drive home. I knew it wouldn't be possible. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. And damnit it is frustrating not being able to do things I need to do. I should be able to walk up a ramp! I should be able to sit for long periods of time! I shouldn't worry about these things! I didn't mean to cry, I didn't want to cry but sometimes when I'm holding in the screams from how much it hurts the tears escape. They of course surrounded me, hugged me, told me they were there for me. They are the most amazing people. I am truly blessed by all the love and support my friends and family show me. I know I am blessed and I am so thankful. I don't have enough words for how thankful I am.
After I left there I went to my college. I wanted to try. I knew I shouldn't be driving while I was in that much pain but I had to try. I finally found a parking spot. Getting out of the car was hard. When the pain is severe it is hard to lift my self up out of a seat, so by the time I was out of the car I was already crying. I made it to the ramp and felt light headed from the pain. So stupid. I shouldn't have tried but I had to. I had to at least try. I made my way back to the car and back home.
Tuesday I had a doctors appointment to talk about the pain - that I'm still having. There were some swollen lymph nodes so maybe I had an infection but it should get better soon. Possibly I have gall stones in the ducts that lead to the gall bladder that no longer is there (because it was removed in 2002) or maybe it's my appendix and it's not showing. I pretty much got 'go home and see what happens. Come back in two weeks"
Right now I'm in a lot of pain. My abdomen burns, it feels like its full like a balloon, I keep looking down to make sure someone isn't actually stabbing me, plus there is a dull ache that is always there. The ache is a 5, the burning is a 6, the bloating is a 6, the stabbing is an 8. And that is just my regular Endo pain - to top it off I have pain in my side that is sharp and dull as well. Want to hear something funny? The doctor walked in the room on tuesday and said so I hear you are having pain on your right side. Why? WHY?! I laughed and said I'm not sure isn't that your job to find out? Silly man.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my Endo doctor. I'm just going in to tell him how much pain I am still in. I think he'll probably either say "give the IUD some more time to work" or "let's try gabapentin (i think thats the name) again. Personally I'd like to have surgery then start all this to prevent it from growing. Think I can talk him in to it? My guess is no. We will see what happens. I'll update soon.