Thursday, April 21, 2011

ER visits

     Saturday afternoon after going to a local consignment shop to see some ladies, I went to Lowes to make a copy of a key to the consignment shop because I was going to start work there a few days later. I had trouble walking from the car to the store, through the store, then back to the car. Once I got back to the store I had to park the car and walk inside obviously. I wiped my tears that were already forming in my eyes away and went inside. I did not want to cry at these friends. I like to go every Saturday and pretend I have no pain. I like to pretend this this disease doesn't affect my everyday life. Which, in all reality, is ridiculous. I know that every week is not going to be a good week, I know that eventually this was going to happen and if not one of them was bound to run in to me at a store where I'm being wheeled around in a wheel chair because it hurts too much to walk. But it's hard. When someone first learns about me having Endometriosis they feel bad for me. The first time someone sees me break down and sob because I can't walk, sit, stand, do anything they want justice. And it breaks my heart every time I have to tell them there isn't a cure and most likely won't be one any time soon. Hurts worse to lie to them and say 'maybe' to their 'it'll get better's. I just wanted to be happy carefree Nicole. I just wanted to be Mommy Nicole. I just wanted to be friend Nicole. I didn't want to be Endo Nicole. I tried my best to keep it separate. I work hard on my fake smile - which may seem silly to most but I understand how hard it is to constantly see someone in pain, upset, crying, sad. Anyway, so I walked in and one of my friends said I was procrastinating going to school and I cried. I was in too much pain to walk to the door of the shop which was on flat ground. At the school I had to park, walk through the parking lot, up the ramp, in to the building, down the hallway and into the testing center. Then I'd have to sit there take the test, walk back, drive home. I knew it wouldn't be possible. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. And damnit it is frustrating not being able to do things I need to do. I should be able to walk up a ramp! I should be able to sit for long periods of time! I shouldn't worry about these things! I didn't mean to cry, I didn't want to cry but sometimes when I'm holding in the screams from how much it hurts the tears escape. They of course surrounded me, hugged me, told me they were there for me. They are the most amazing people. I am truly blessed by all the love and support my friends and family show me. I know I am blessed and I am so thankful. I don't have enough words for how thankful I am.
     After I left there I went to my college. I wanted to try. I knew I shouldn't be driving while I was in that much pain but I had to try. I finally found a parking spot. Getting out of the car was hard. When the pain is severe it is hard to lift my self up out of a seat, so by the time I was out of the car I was already crying. I made it to the ramp and felt light headed from the pain. So stupid. I shouldn't have tried but I had to. I had to at least try. I made my way back to the car and back home.
     I went home - got things ready for my mom to take care of my daughter while me and Tyrone went to the ER. In the ER they were worried that the cyst I had previously had on my ovary had twisted my ovary. I had an ultrasound to see and they said the cyst was gone. So that wasn't the cause. They did a pelvic exam - nothing wrong there. Then they decided to do another ultrasound on my kidneys. They didn't see any stones. After 6 hours of being there they finally decided to check to see if it was my appendix. However, this would be another 6 hours. 4 hours to take dye and have it cycle through my body then two hours to do the CT Scan and get the results. I asked if it was possible to schedule a CT Scan with my regular doctor so I could go home now, unless they thought it was risking my life going home. He told me he wasn't even convinced it was my appendix but was just trying to rule it out. He told me to go ahead home and if I had pain that got worse, nausea, vomiting, so and and so forth to go back in.  So I went home.
     Sunday night I ended up back in the ER. I was having all of those symptoms plus some. I went in and told them what had happened last night 'they wanted me to come back if this, this, and this happened and get a CT Scan with dye to see my appendix' blah blah blah 'So how is this different from the pain you usually have' ' Is this the pain you usually have' 'do you think this is endo' Sometimes going to the ER just makes me feel like a drug addict "AHHH I see here you are taking PERCOCET!" "yes I have a prescription" "WELL we will NOT be giving you more... or WELL.. hmmm.. we'll only give you 10 because we don't want you to become addicted" Yes because 10 will make me addicted. BTW 10 pills can sometimes last me a whole month. fyi drug addicts eat pills like candy. 10 wouldn't last them a day. Anyway, so they decided to do a CT Scan.. to check for kidney stones. What?! they out ruled kidney stones the night before. I told them this and they didn't care. I got a CT Scan and ta-da no kidney stones. They can sort of see my appendix and it looked normal. How frustrating, I was told you can't REALLY see the appendix in a CT Scan without dye. Anyway, it doesn't matter - they sent me home.
     Tuesday I had a doctors appointment to talk about the pain - that I'm still having. There were some swollen lymph nodes so maybe I had an infection but it should get better soon. Possibly I have gall stones in the ducts that lead to the gall bladder that no longer is there (because it was removed in 2002) or maybe it's my appendix and it's not showing. I pretty much got 'go home and see what happens. Come back in two weeks"
     Right now I'm in a lot of pain. My abdomen burns, it feels like its full like a balloon, I keep looking down to make sure someone isn't actually stabbing me, plus there is a dull ache that is always there. The ache is a 5, the burning is a 6, the bloating is a 6, the stabbing is an 8. And that is just my regular Endo pain - to top it off I have pain in my side that is sharp and dull as well. Want to hear something funny? The doctor walked in the room on tuesday and said so I hear you are having pain on your right side. Why? WHY?! I laughed and said I'm not sure isn't that your job to find out? Silly man.
     Tomorrow I have an appointment with my Endo doctor. I'm just going in to tell him how much pain I am still in. I think he'll probably either say "give the IUD some more time to work" or "let's try gabapentin (i think thats the name) again. Personally I'd like to have surgery then start all this to prevent it from growing. Think I can talk him in to it? My guess is no. We will see what happens. I'll update soon.

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  1. =/ What kind of surgery? I hope the doctor can do more for you than "go home and see". I know this is part of endo, but I hate that you have to endure any of it at all. *hugs*

  2. a surgery to remove the Endometriosis. I've had one already.. maybe the second time is the charm?