Yesterday as I was running between doctors appointments I asked one of my friends a question "Have you ever seen any cysts on an ultrasound before?" To which her reply was that she didn't think she's had an ultrasound that didn't have to do with pregnancy. Well, of course not, that's the norm. I forgot. I forgot that most people haven't gone through as many medical things as I have. Sometimes, life is overwhelming. True for everyone right? But at 26 I feel like my life should be overwhelming with my daughter, friends, family, co-workers, and such. Not health issues.
I'd love to be blissfully ignorant about my body and how it works. I don't want to know what an xray looks like, what a live scan of my bowels look like, what a colonoscopy is like, what my insides look like with Endo on them, what my insides look like at all! I don't want to know what my white cell count should be, what my platelet count should be, I don't want to know what vein is the best to get blood out of or insert an IV in and I most certainly don't want to be on a first name basis with the lab workers who take blood. I don't want to go to the ER ever again. How many times had you been to the ER by the time you were 26? Ever? I've been to the ER so many times it's not even worth trying to count how many this year alone. I don't want to go in to the ER and my boyfriend say oh look it's the nurse/doctor who was really nice/really mean. I don't want to know who the ER staff is, I don't want to know if they were nice or mean. I want to be blissfully ignorant about the ER. I want to think it's a place people go when they feel like they are dying, I don't want to constantly feel like I'm dying. I don't want to live my life on a 1-10 scale of pain, I don't want to take all the medications I take and God forbid I miss one, I don't want to deal with the reactions my body has to not taking them. I'm 26 shouldn't I be taking birth control and that's all? Not anywhere from 5-10 pills a day? I shouldn't know what a PET scan is or a CT scan is and I most certainly shouldn't have had each of them more times then I can count. I'm tired of the words "I don't know" "that's odd" "abnormal" and "well, let's try this for 6 weeks..." I'm tired of being tired and in pain. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of saying the words sick, tired, and pain. I'm tired of my friends who have to hear this words.
I have the life I was dealt and I'm thankful I'm strong enough (on most days) to handle it. I know I wouldn't be able to without the support I have. I am quite thankful for all the love and support I have.
What brought this on? A frustrating last few days. Thursday/Friday? I had to have my mirena removed due to complications, those complications led me to the OBGYN, who is now sending me to get a detailed ultrasound done on Friday. They are concerned. The words that were thrown around at me were not ones I like to hear. I guess the words most people would have worried about 'complications, let's take a look, worried, ultrasound' I'm more anxious about 'biopsy, surgery, abnormal, we'll see.' Then on top of all these words I was sent to a dermatologist to have a mole removed because concern (hate that word) of cancer (hate this one more). Awesome. Yesterday was a painful, overwhelming, exhausting and I still know nothing. Everyone keeps reassuring me "I'm sure it'll be okay" and it probably will but again, at my age.. should I be concerned about these things? Should I know these words? Should I have these problems? *sigh* most likely not.