Saturday, August 15, 2015

We don't grow when things are easy; We grow when we face challenges.

     A lot of people ask me how we are doing and generally the answer is okay. With everything that
has been going on lately, we have obviously been effected but we are doing okay. Still, we have changed. We are different people then before this started. I cannot speak for my sister, who I have seen grow leaps and bounds. I cannot speak for my grandmother who is our rock and has taken over driving mom to and from her doctors, making all appointments and handling pretty much everything. She is amazing, I hope to be half as strong as she is. I cannot speak for my fiance who has had to, not only work all day but then come home and take care of me and our daughter. He's had to be strong enough for all three of us on the days I could only muster enough strength to be strong for Mom. I can however, speak for myself and Haleigh.    
     Haleigh has changed in some minor ways that I guess when you think about it aren't that minor. It started with her never really having attachment issues but since February she has had issues being separated from us. Sometimes she will cry when Tyrone goes to work (which is abnormal) and worry about him getting there safely or not coming back. If I have a doctor's appointment to go to, she worries they will 'keep me' and I won't come back home again. Then once we do get back home she is attached to our hips. She needs a lot extra hugs and cuddles lately, which of course we don't mind giving. One thing that I really noticed was how Haleigh use to yell (in a joking way) at my mom when she would call her a drama queen and/or a cutie pie. However, after mom had been in the hospital for awhile and could finally talk again Haleigh relished in her grandma calling her a drama queen. Now anytime that she calls her a drama queen or a cutie pie she gets a huge smile on her face and says 'thank you grandma.'
     In the last few days Tyrone has not been feeling well, which is very unlike him. He gets sick usually only once a year, so Haleigh is not use to him being under the weather. He laid down on the couch and fell asleep and Haleigh wanted me to call an ambulance because she was convinced he was dying. I explained that not all illnesses are as serious as grandma's and that daddy was just not feeling well but he would be okay. I don't think she believed me because she took her chair and put it right in front of him. She sat in the chair with the kindle, which she barely looked at, for an hour. About twenty minutes in to him sleeping she sang him 'You are my sunshine' (which is her go to when she is upset or tired). After she sang to him she looked at me and whispered 'are you sure we shouldn't call an ambulance?' It was heartbreaking. I kept reassuring her that just because daddy was sick did not mean he was the same kind of sick as grandma. Daddy did not need to go to the hospital because he was only a little sick. Needless to say she did not sleep well at all that night. However,she is handling it better now because it has been a few days and she has realized he's not going anywhere. Then there is something that happened just yesterday. Haleigh had a friend over and he wanted to play doctor. This is a game that in the past she has loved playing. She started playing doctor with her friend but he said something like 'the ambulance will come get the patient because they are dying' and Haleigh said 'I don't want to play anymore.' She got really upset and came and sat on the couch. I asked her why she didn't want to play the game anymore and she said it made her sad and she just didn't want to play that game. It took her a few minutes of cuddles before she would go play something else with her friend. Lately playing doctor has been a favorite game but only when she's playing with grandma or a stuffed animal. I tried playing it with her recently too and she wanted to stop because she got upset. I think she is just really confused about how she is feeling. It is a lot to take in for anyone but especially for a little one. I know the experience is making her a stronger person and definitely educating her about health issues but sometimes it just sucks.
     I have been feeling very overwhelmed and depressed. I find it at times very hard to keep my head
above the merky water of depression. I feel just like this picture, as if there are things attached to my feet pulling me further and further into my depression. Some days I can get up and I feel like I will be okay and some days I wake up and I do not have the want to get up or do anything. Of course, I have to, because I have a child to take care of - along with the other children that I watch. At any point in time I have a thousand things going through my head. Lists of things that need to get done, for me, for my family, for my house, for my grandmother, for my mother, for my sister, for my cousin. Those wonderful 'what if' questions that take me back months or months and years in to the future. There are so many, that I could not even begin to list them. My depression makes my anxiety higher and my anxiety and depression cause my endometriosis pain to get worse. It is all a horrible cycle that is not ending any time soon. I try to put on a happy face for those around me. Adding me being depressed to the things that everyone has to worry about is not something I want to do. I don't want it, so I certainly don't want to burden anyone else with it. A lot of the time I get annoyed with myself for being depressed. I know it is not something I can help and I have discussed it with my doctor, we both feel it is a situational depression because I was doing well before this. It is great and all to know what is going on but another thing for that knowledge to stop it from happening. The situation is not one we can rid of until it is over and done with so, it is what it is for now. Along with depression, I am also having some very vivid nightmares. Most nights, unless medicated, I have multiple nightmares of my mother dying. Anywhere from 2 to 5 different ways/times a night. I wake up crying, fall back to sleep and she dies a different way. Obviously, I am not sleeping well and it is not boding well for my attitude or outlook on things. I am terrified I will receive 'that' phone call. The one I received for my step father and my father. The one where I cannot remember the words but I can remember my brain going fuzzy and numbness. The one where I'll hear that my best friend is gone and never coming back.
    I wanted to write this for everyone who keeps asking 'okay, but how are you really?' In a nutshell we are scared and nervous with hopes that the sun will shine soon. Things seem to be on the up-slope and we hope it stays that way. All in all I think we are doing okay. We are surviving what is happening but we are not unscathed.

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