Sunday, January 31, 2016

1 Year Ago

     It has been a long hard year. I have always seen January as a month of new beginnings. A new year, a time to start over or continue to grow. Last year on this day my life pretty much stopped. After a family dinner Mom, Angela, and I went over to a friend's house to pick up a book she had for me. On the way back Mom started having a seizure while driving. We were able to get her to stop the car and put it in park. The rescue squad was called and she was whisked away to the emergency room. I remember it all very vividly especially the room we were in, in the ER. I can remember Mom not responding, her eyes bulging, her face turning purple. Then I can remember the panicked look she gave me right before she had a grand mal seizure. I can remember so well because I see it in my dreams every few nights. Which is a great improvement from multiple times a night.
     We have had to take mom to the emergency room a few times throughout the past year and luckily never having to be in that same room. Of course, until the other night. Wednesday, January 27th, I had to take mom into the ER because she was having a severe reaction to one of her medications. After a two hour
wait that had me nearly in tears because I had been sitting watching mom in so much pain they bring us back to that room. I got mom settled in the bed and waited until the nurse left before I started having a panic attack. Honestly, I don't even know how I lasted that long. I tried not to. I did all the breathing tricks I have learned, concentrating on other things, so on and so forth. Those with anxiety know that there are certain things you can do to trick yourself into not having a major meltdown, or at the very least prolong it. They were not working. We were in this room almost exactly a year later and I was having a very hard time handling it. I tried to concentrate on Mom but if she took too deep a breath or too shallow a breath I could feel the panic setting in. If she opened her eyes too wide or seemed to space out I started crying. A mess, I was a mess. I kept asking the nurse (who wanted nothing to do with me) to check her blood pressure because I was scared it would get too high, due to her pain, and she would have a seizure again. They would just have to put me in a bed next to her because I know I would not be able to handle that!
     Obviously, we both made it through. Mom was admitted to the hospital for her rash, fever, and earache. She was there for 4 days and released today. The one year anniversary of when this started. Her fever is down, her rash is getting better, her breathing is off kilter at the moment but will hopefully get better soon. This year Mom will be having at least one more surgery on her throat, hopefully getting the trach taken out, and starting dialysis. It will not be an easy year either but I am praying it will be an easier year than last year. We have a lot of things to look forward to this year, at the top of the list are two weddings and Haleigh starting kindergarten. Please join me in praying that the good outweighs the bad this year.
     I want to thank everyone who has prayed and sent good thoughts, who have supplied us with meals or childcare. Thank you to those who came to sit at the hospital so one of us could go home and sleep for a few hours. Thank you for remembering to take care of us when we were too busy to think of it. Thank you for the cards that were sent and the phone calls that were made. Thank you for understanding the tears that happened mid-sentence and thank you for ignoring it when I needed you to or being there when I needed to cry it out. I cannot thank you all enough.

     Until next time...

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