Sometimes it is not easy being a parent with a low immune system and chronic pain. It is hard to put into words the failure I feel as a Mom and wife at times like this. Every year I have to pick and choose, due to illness or pain, what events and parties I can attend with my family. This year I was feeling pretty good after finishing my antibiotics for the bought of bronchitis I was getting over, so I decided to do as many Halloween events as I could. This included two trunk or treat events and the fall festival at Haleigh's school. I thought it was all going great, then on Halloween, I start getting a low-grade fever and a horrible cough. Throughout the day it turned into my whole body aching, asthma attacks, and muscles being pulled from coughing so hard.
Haleigh and Tyrone went to an event at the local University when she got out of school and the plan was to go trick or treating after that. Well now came a hard decision. Do I miss Haleigh trick or
treating or do I go even though I'm struggling to breathe and feeling horrible? I decided to go, which I can tell you was absolutely the wrong decision, but I don't regret it because I had a fun time. I brought along tissues (because by this point I had a running nose), an inhaler, and a face mask. I should have planned ahead and worn a face mask to ALL the events that way I didn't get whatever I picked up while I was out, but, alas, I didn't. I did okay walking around and only had to sneak my inhaler twice. I say sneak even though I don't have to, no one would bat an eye at me using an inhaler. However, it is one more thing that makes me different. It's one more thing that shows how sick I am. I am sick often. I get that. I am mostly okay with that. But I don't want it to affect Haleigh's life. I know that's ridiculous because of course, it is going to affect her life but I try to make it as less noticeable as possible. I don't want her to look back and be like 'where was mom? Oh, right she was sick...AGAIN.'
The feelings and thought process I go through when it comes to going to these types of things are all the same. Is this something I have to be there for? Is this something Tyrone and Haleigh can attend without me? Will this place have chairs or benches I can sit on? Will there be a bathroom close by wherever we will be? Can I do this then do what I need to do tonight or tomorrow? Today vs Tomorrow - which is more important in the grand scheme of things? Then it really becomes a mental thing where I get upset that I can't just go places I want to go and do things I want to do. I have to choose - party or making dinner and showering. I have to miss things I don't want to miss. "Normal" people don't get sick every time they leave their house where I do 3/4ths of the time I go out. It makes me feel like a huge failure everytime I get sick. I know that I do a lot to prevent it, I wear masks, I up my vitamin C during cold seasons, I try not to be in too many crowded areas, I ask friends to inform me if they have been sick or been near someone sick. But no matter what I always end up sick and most of the time I take it in stride but when it coincides with a fun thing we had planned, a vacation, or a holiday it really gets to me. It all fills me with guilt.
I could go on about this subject for days. Being chronically ill really messes with your mindset on things. I fight it the best I can but sometimes it consumes me. I was thinking about all of this when I opened my fortune cookie at the end of Halloween night - because what better way to end the day than with hibachi - and here's what it said:
Haleigh and Tyrone went to an event at the local University when she got out of school and the plan was to go trick or treating after that. Well now came a hard decision. Do I miss Haleigh trick ortreating or do I go even though I'm struggling to breathe and feeling horrible? I decided to go, which I can tell you was absolutely the wrong decision, but I don't regret it because I had a fun time. I brought along tissues (because by this point I had a running nose), an inhaler, and a face mask. I should have planned ahead and worn a face mask to ALL the events that way I didn't get whatever I picked up while I was out, but, alas, I didn't. I did okay walking around and only had to sneak my inhaler twice. I say sneak even though I don't have to, no one would bat an eye at me using an inhaler. However, it is one more thing that makes me different. It's one more thing that shows how sick I am. I am sick often. I get that. I am mostly okay with that. But I don't want it to affect Haleigh's life. I know that's ridiculous because of course, it is going to affect her life but I try to make it as less noticeable as possible. I don't want her to look back and be like 'where was mom? Oh, right she was sick...AGAIN.'
The feelings and thought process I go through when it comes to going to these types of things are all the same. Is this something I have to be there for? Is this something Tyrone and Haleigh can attend without me? Will this place have chairs or benches I can sit on? Will there be a bathroom close by wherever we will be? Can I do this then do what I need to do tonight or tomorrow? Today vs Tomorrow - which is more important in the grand scheme of things? Then it really becomes a mental thing where I get upset that I can't just go places I want to go and do things I want to do. I have to choose - party or making dinner and showering. I have to miss things I don't want to miss. "Normal" people don't get sick every time they leave their house where I do 3/4ths of the time I go out. It makes me feel like a huge failure everytime I get sick. I know that I do a lot to prevent it, I wear masks, I up my vitamin C during cold seasons, I try not to be in too many crowded areas, I ask friends to inform me if they have been sick or been near someone sick. But no matter what I always end up sick and most of the time I take it in stride but when it coincides with a fun thing we had planned, a vacation, or a holiday it really gets to me. It all fills me with guilt.
I could go on about this subject for days. Being chronically ill really messes with your mindset on things. I fight it the best I can but sometimes it consumes me. I was thinking about all of this when I opened my fortune cookie at the end of Halloween night - because what better way to end the day than with hibachi - and here's what it said:
It's just what I needed to hear
Thank you for writing and sharing this
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