I have been wanting to do an update on how I am doing. However, I don't know where to start or where to stop. Unlike with my oversharing for education and awareness of Endometriosis, PCOS, and ITP, this doesn't feel like something I should overshare about. Depression is a hard thing to talk about. Not that it's hard to express my feelings, I know my feelings, I have a ton of words for them. It's hard to listen to. If you have dealt with depression, listening to someone else describe their feelings can be very triggering, it can bring back memories of those feelings, you feel shadows of what you went through in your past. If you haven't dealt with depression it is hard to grasp how deep the feelings go, how they tangle around every little thing in your life, how it touches and affects everything. If you haven't dealt with depression you'll think of that one time when you were really down and out about something that happened. Maybe you lost someone, maybe your heart was broken, maybe you got hit with tragedy after tragedy. Though those feelings made you sad, angry, sorrowful, gloomy, melancholy, it isn't depression. Those feelings you felt were valid and I would never say otherwise but it wasn't depression.
Depression is described as "A mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life." Depression is more than that though. Depression is you being exhausted but not just from the little sleep you are getting but from the mental marathon, you are running. It is forgetting to eat or just not caring enough to get up to make something. It is not getting out of bed or showering for days on end because 'eh - does it really matter? It's not feeling interested in anything or feeling interested but not being able to force yourself to get up and do something even though you may enjoy it. Do you even deserve to enjoy it? Depression is being unable to make any decisions because thinking is too hard. It is being overwhelmed with the smallest things because your brain is rapid firing your failures. It is LITERALLY crying over spilled milk or almost spilled milk or the thought that you might spill milk - forget it do not even bother getting up because you'll probably mess up something somewhere. Depression is all of the self-loathing. Depression is being cynical and snarky to others, about others, but mostly about yourself. It is having no filter. Depression is the anxiety that takes over your mind. Having to go somewhere or do something. Having to be around people. Having to maybe talk to someone. Having to make eye contact. What if I stutter on my words? Do I even have words? I have no words? What if nothing computes and I just stare? What if I go out in public and I drop something and people look at me. What if, what if, what if. Depression is projecting. Depression is knowing there are things to be happy about and to be grateful for but not being able to pull yourself up enough to think that far into it. Depression is worrying that people will think you no longer like them or appreciate the things they do or want them in your life and not being able to lift the cloud enough to express the love. It's knowing in your heart that your depression is not because their love isn't there or you love them less but not being able to explain it. It is the fear of rejection because of that depression. Depression is being overwhelmed and underwhelmed. Depression is being tired and sleeping too much. Depression is a liar, a known liar, and yet you can't stop listening. Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain that makes you think it is really just you, sucking at life. Depression is all of this and more.
I have struggled with depression for 20 years. Depression is not a new demon for me to battle. So when I felt like things were getting to be a little too much, when I started to become more agitated and start to have heavy thoughts I went to my doctor. A little over 7 months ago I reached out and said "hey my medicine isn't helping as much anymore. I'm not feeling like myself and we need to do something before it becomes a thing." So my doctor decided to up my medication. 2 weeks later my whole body was revolting. I was shaking and dizzy, my eyesight was so blurry I couldn't read anything. It felt like my organs were shaking so I went to the ER and they said this was from me upping my medication. I needed to go back to my regular dose and talk to my doctor about adding on a different medicine or starting a whole new medicine. I dropped back down to my original dose and went to follow up with my doctor. She said that because of this and a previous time (prior to her being my Dr) when I ended up with serotonin syndrome from them upping my depression medication too fast that I would now have to see a psychiatrist because they specialize in this medication. They would know better what I need to take and what might work. A referral was sent out and I was never contacted. I contacted them and they told me they couldn't see me because they weren't taking new patients. So I called the other places in my network and they all said the same thing or that the wait was 9 - 12 months long. This sounds like a small obstacle that just needs to be overcome right? Not to someone who is depressed it is more like rejection. It is HARD to get myself up and to the doctors. I went twice, then I made phone calls which make me shake with anxiety. I used up so much energy begging for help and no one would help me. I tried my doctor again a few months later who again said she couldn't mess with my medications due to my history of issues with them. 2 weeks ago I realized I had gotten to that point. The point you just do not want to be at. I called my doctors office and spoke to a nurse. I cried at her and told her I was not okay, I am having a mental crisis and I need my medication changed because I am NOT okay. I am not in the right head space and I need help. They said they would send another referral to the psychiatrist and would call me to make an appointment. They said that absolutely they have openings and they aren't sure who I spoke to but they were wrong. Then I waited... and nothing. Today I demanded an appointment be made and right away. I told them in no uncertain terms that if I were to do something because of my depression that my family would be suing the whole doctor's office for malpractice and negligence. I now have an appointment in two weeks. I do want to bring attention to the fact that I am not suicidal. I am not a danger to society, I would never hurt anyone else. I will not hurt myself. I will not kill myself.
One of the many reasons why I haven't reached out and talked about my journey as much is because of my job. I am blessed with being able to watch my friends children most days and I cannot tell you what a bright light these kids are in my life. What an amazing distraction they are from my head. With them, I get to play and sing and ignore life and just enjoy the good stuff. I love teaching numbers and letters, colors and shapes. I don't want anyone to think I am not capable of my job. I am perfectly capable and I know myself well enough to call and be like hey.. not today, if I need to. I would never in my life put any children in a dangerous situation. EVER. I love these children.
Another reason for not sharing is I don't want my family to feel at fault. When someone close to you falls into a deep depression you think what could I have done? or What am I doing so wrong that I can't make them happy? I don't want my family to think that this is their doing or from them not doing something. It is hard to be the depressed person and have to worry about reassuring your family you love them and it's not them. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is not from the failure of loving or being loved. I have a hard enough time reassuring myself I will be okay, it is too hard to have to reassure everyone else too. In this way, it is easier to just say "I am depressed. I need you to know this. I love you" and leave it at that. Sometimes that isn't enough though and I am at that point. I am at that point where everyone just knowing that little bit is not it. It's so much more. It's everything. I made my coffee wrong - it's because I'm a failure. I couldn't do this dishes because of pain - it's because I'm a failure. My depression has seeped into every little bit of my brain. This is why I am seeking help. Potentially if I actually had insurance that would cover me and not send me into debt I would put myself in a hospital for them to help me stabilize. It's really not even a "potentially" situation. I know that if I had the insurance it would be happening. However, I don't. Insurance is not an easy thing for me to have. That's not really something I want to discuss right now either but when you have so many preexisting conditions especially one that can kill you (ITP), insurance companies want to charge you your life.
Anyway, my point is I haven't been overly open about what I am going through because I don't want to alarm people. My family knows my headspace and that's what is important. However, with it being Mental Health Awareness Month and for the fact that it seems to be showing enough that other people are noticing, I wanted to share a little of what is going on. I wanted to put it out there that yes I am struggling. I am struggling a lot. I am irrationally emotional and cry a lot. Angry tears, sad tears, all the tears but I will be okay. Deep down somewhere I know I will be okay. I just have to get there and with a little help I will.
I will keep you updated as I go to my appointment on the 17th and hopefully start a new treatment.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
If you are feeling suicidal or are in crisis and need to talk to someone please call 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
You are not alone. There are people who will be there for you, listen to you, and work through it with you.
Want to read a story of someone who had previously called a suicide prevention hotline? Read Nicola Davis' story on The Mighty.
Depression is described as "A mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life." Depression is more than that though. Depression is you being exhausted but not just from the little sleep you are getting but from the mental marathon, you are running. It is forgetting to eat or just not caring enough to get up to make something. It is not getting out of bed or showering for days on end because 'eh - does it really matter? It's not feeling interested in anything or feeling interested but not being able to force yourself to get up and do something even though you may enjoy it. Do you even deserve to enjoy it? Depression is being unable to make any decisions because thinking is too hard. It is being overwhelmed with the smallest things because your brain is rapid firing your failures. It is LITERALLY crying over spilled milk or almost spilled milk or the thought that you might spill milk - forget it do not even bother getting up because you'll probably mess up something somewhere. Depression is all of the self-loathing. Depression is being cynical and snarky to others, about others, but mostly about yourself. It is having no filter. Depression is the anxiety that takes over your mind. Having to go somewhere or do something. Having to be around people. Having to maybe talk to someone. Having to make eye contact. What if I stutter on my words? Do I even have words? I have no words? What if nothing computes and I just stare? What if I go out in public and I drop something and people look at me. What if, what if, what if. Depression is projecting. Depression is knowing there are things to be happy about and to be grateful for but not being able to pull yourself up enough to think that far into it. Depression is worrying that people will think you no longer like them or appreciate the things they do or want them in your life and not being able to lift the cloud enough to express the love. It's knowing in your heart that your depression is not because their love isn't there or you love them less but not being able to explain it. It is the fear of rejection because of that depression. Depression is being overwhelmed and underwhelmed. Depression is being tired and sleeping too much. Depression is a liar, a known liar, and yet you can't stop listening. Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain that makes you think it is really just you, sucking at life. Depression is all of this and more.
I have struggled with depression for 20 years. Depression is not a new demon for me to battle. So when I felt like things were getting to be a little too much, when I started to become more agitated and start to have heavy thoughts I went to my doctor. A little over 7 months ago I reached out and said "hey my medicine isn't helping as much anymore. I'm not feeling like myself and we need to do something before it becomes a thing." So my doctor decided to up my medication. 2 weeks later my whole body was revolting. I was shaking and dizzy, my eyesight was so blurry I couldn't read anything. It felt like my organs were shaking so I went to the ER and they said this was from me upping my medication. I needed to go back to my regular dose and talk to my doctor about adding on a different medicine or starting a whole new medicine. I dropped back down to my original dose and went to follow up with my doctor. She said that because of this and a previous time (prior to her being my Dr) when I ended up with serotonin syndrome from them upping my depression medication too fast that I would now have to see a psychiatrist because they specialize in this medication. They would know better what I need to take and what might work. A referral was sent out and I was never contacted. I contacted them and they told me they couldn't see me because they weren't taking new patients. So I called the other places in my network and they all said the same thing or that the wait was 9 - 12 months long. This sounds like a small obstacle that just needs to be overcome right? Not to someone who is depressed it is more like rejection. It is HARD to get myself up and to the doctors. I went twice, then I made phone calls which make me shake with anxiety. I used up so much energy begging for help and no one would help me. I tried my doctor again a few months later who again said she couldn't mess with my medications due to my history of issues with them. 2 weeks ago I realized I had gotten to that point. The point you just do not want to be at. I called my doctors office and spoke to a nurse. I cried at her and told her I was not okay, I am having a mental crisis and I need my medication changed because I am NOT okay. I am not in the right head space and I need help. They said they would send another referral to the psychiatrist and would call me to make an appointment. They said that absolutely they have openings and they aren't sure who I spoke to but they were wrong. Then I waited... and nothing. Today I demanded an appointment be made and right away. I told them in no uncertain terms that if I were to do something because of my depression that my family would be suing the whole doctor's office for malpractice and negligence. I now have an appointment in two weeks. I do want to bring attention to the fact that I am not suicidal. I am not a danger to society, I would never hurt anyone else. I will not hurt myself. I will not kill myself.
One of the many reasons why I haven't reached out and talked about my journey as much is because of my job. I am blessed with being able to watch my friends children most days and I cannot tell you what a bright light these kids are in my life. What an amazing distraction they are from my head. With them, I get to play and sing and ignore life and just enjoy the good stuff. I love teaching numbers and letters, colors and shapes. I don't want anyone to think I am not capable of my job. I am perfectly capable and I know myself well enough to call and be like hey.. not today, if I need to. I would never in my life put any children in a dangerous situation. EVER. I love these children.
Another reason for not sharing is I don't want my family to feel at fault. When someone close to you falls into a deep depression you think what could I have done? or What am I doing so wrong that I can't make them happy? I don't want my family to think that this is their doing or from them not doing something. It is hard to be the depressed person and have to worry about reassuring your family you love them and it's not them. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is not from the failure of loving or being loved. I have a hard enough time reassuring myself I will be okay, it is too hard to have to reassure everyone else too. In this way, it is easier to just say "I am depressed. I need you to know this. I love you" and leave it at that. Sometimes that isn't enough though and I am at that point. I am at that point where everyone just knowing that little bit is not it. It's so much more. It's everything. I made my coffee wrong - it's because I'm a failure. I couldn't do this dishes because of pain - it's because I'm a failure. My depression has seeped into every little bit of my brain. This is why I am seeking help. Potentially if I actually had insurance that would cover me and not send me into debt I would put myself in a hospital for them to help me stabilize. It's really not even a "potentially" situation. I know that if I had the insurance it would be happening. However, I don't. Insurance is not an easy thing for me to have. That's not really something I want to discuss right now either but when you have so many preexisting conditions especially one that can kill you (ITP), insurance companies want to charge you your life.
Anyway, my point is I haven't been overly open about what I am going through because I don't want to alarm people. My family knows my headspace and that's what is important. However, with it being Mental Health Awareness Month and for the fact that it seems to be showing enough that other people are noticing, I wanted to share a little of what is going on. I wanted to put it out there that yes I am struggling. I am struggling a lot. I am irrationally emotional and cry a lot. Angry tears, sad tears, all the tears but I will be okay. Deep down somewhere I know I will be okay. I just have to get there and with a little help I will.
I will keep you updated as I go to my appointment on the 17th and hopefully start a new treatment.
-----
If you are feeling suicidal or are in crisis and need to talk to someone please call 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
You are not alone. There are people who will be there for you, listen to you, and work through it with you.
Want to read a story of someone who had previously called a suicide prevention hotline? Read Nicola Davis' story on The Mighty.
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