I wanted to give an update from my appointment on Thursday but I wasn't sure where to start. Instead of waiting longer I am just going to write everything I remember in whatever order it comes out of my head in.
When I first walked in I thought 'please be nice and someone I can talk to because you do not look too pleased to be doing your job right now.' I was not wrong. She was not warm and easy to talk to at all. Her first question to me was Why do you think you are depressed? I just looked at her and said I'm sorry what? She rephrased to 'what do you think is making you depressed?' To which I replied 'a chemical imbalance in my brain? That is what depression is right?' I think what she meant to say was 'Do you think there is anything that has taken place that is contributing to your depression or making it worse?" Instead, her questions came out as more of a question of me even really being depressed. She asked me to explain what I was feeling. Depressed, sad, hopeless, unmotivated, irritated, irrationally angry, numb. When she just stared at me I said 'maybe if you ask me some questions it will help?' Then she started asking me about what I do for a living and where I went to college. She asked if I had any kids, one who is 7 years old, and if I was married, yes. She said 'oh how long have you been married for?' almost 2 years but we have been together for 13 years. Her response was "okay, is your daughter his?" ... yes. I'm sorry did you just ask me if I had a baby daddy on the side? Why would anything I had said previously have made you think that? Between this and the questioning me 'thinking' I have depression, put me on edge. I tried to explain the best I could how I was feeling. I also mentioned my weirdness with germs. I've always been weird about things like sharing drinks or food but lately, it has gotten worse. So I just explained some of those things and she looked at me and said 'well I'm not going to diagnose you with OCD just yet.' I wasn't looking for a diagnosis (like I need another thing on my medical chart) but I thought it was important for her to know since she's the one prescribing my medication. She asked about my appetite. Which I don't have much of one. I told her I set alarms to make sure I eat otherwise I forget because I'm not hungry. She said 'why do you think that is? is it because of your other depression medication?' I told her no because I had no appetite before I was taking that medicine either. Some doctors think it's because of the chronic pain I'm in. So after that, she decided that because of everything including the pain I'm in she would like to start me on Cymbalta. She explained the difference between this medicine and the medicine I'm taking is Cymbalta ups my serotonin levels where the medicine I'm on now does not. I explained everything I went through with serotonin syndrome and she wanted to know how I knew it was serotonin syndrome, I said because that's what they told me when they admitted me to the hospital for it. (enter huge sigh here) I told her that previously my doctors have stayed away from medicines that up my serotonin because of that. I don't know if it was because I am more likely to get it again because I have had it before or if they were just taking extra precautions. She said she's pretty sure they were just being extra careful and that we would take it slow with this medicine. Usually, she gives a starting dose for 2 weeks then ups it after that and then they sit at that for months before reevaluating. For me, she's decided we will sit at the starting dose for a month then see if we need to up it. She suggested I go to therapy as well because studies have shown that medicine and therapy together work best. I explained how I don't always know when I will have children so setting one day a week or every other week wouldn't work. I can't afford to miss a whole day of work for a 30-minute therapy session. I told her that would stress me out more than going. I explained I have looked and have yet to find someone who works after 7pm or on weekends that doesn't cost my first born. She said again that it really is important. I asked for suggestions for places that have weekend hours or night hours and she had none. So.. I'm still stuck on that one. I'll figure something out eventually. One step at a time. Anyway, I left with a prescription and instructions to come back in a month. She also suggested charting how I'm feeling in a journal or on an app, Moodpath.
Things since I've started taking this medicine:
Within an hour of taking the medicine, my heart rate dropped. I have a fast heart rate 94-112 bpm usually. Since I started this medicine (I'm on night 5) my heart rate has been in the 80s and I have even seen some 78s and 79s! This is not at all a bad thing just a thing I noticed.
I have been VERY anxious. I was wondering if it was from my body just feeling weird because my heart was pumping slower then it usually does (you know, a normal rate). I'm not sure. I keep having to take deep breaths because I just feel so anxious.
I'm also a little shakey. Mostly when my a joint is stiff it is shakey. Example after I yawn my bottom jaw shakes/quivers. I'm hoping this is just from my body getting used to having a normal amount of serotonin in my body.
Just like before I have okay days and I have not okay days. This medicine takes 4-6 weeks to really work so I don't expect to see any difference right away. I am keeping track of things in the app, Moodpath but also writing things down when the urge strikes me. This may be the only update I have for a few weeks, unless I want to note any changes I see.
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