Since my last update about my depression, I have not written about anything having to do with the subject. After that post things got worse. Cymbalta is not the medicine for me, it made me suicidal. I had to stop driving for fear of driving myself over a cliff or into a tree. I stopped cooking because I saw no point in eating. I would fake it until all the children I watched went home then lay on my bed and cry about how worthless I was. I knew that it was the medicine making me worse so I went to the doctor and we stopped it. We waited a few weeks then started Lexapro. This is a medicine I had previously been on in my teen years and it helped from what I remember. The only reason we didn't try this first was that we were hopeful the Cymbalta would help with pain management as well as the depression.
It has been a slow uphill battle to climb out of my depression this time. I have had to lean on a lot of my loved ones, which thankfully are always there for me and very understanding. When this all started I noticed a lack of wanting to do things I love. One of those things being crocheting. One of my absolute favorite things to do is listen to books and crochet. For the last year, I have just looked at yarn and thought 'ugh it takes so much time to make things. Why bother? It's useless, you could be doing something productive and you're not even doing that.' All those self-doubts and self-hate when I was feeling down just seemed to pile up and circle around my head; making me even less productive because I could only focus on those thoughts.
However, yesterday I started crocheting again! It may seem like a little thing to some but for me it is huge. It's comforting again, I am excited to make things and give them to those loved ones who helped me through this time. I'm excited to make little hats for all the kids I watch and fingerless gloves for my mom and her nurse! I'm EXCITED which is something I haven't felt in what feels like, forever. I am no longer numb. Do I have down days? Yes like everyone else I have down days but I cook dinner every night, I get up every morning and get my daughter ready for school. I greet every baby with a smile and a hug, I check in on my friends, I check in on my family, and I open my blinds and look at the gorgeous trees changing outside my windows. I finally feel like me again!
Thank you to everyone who has stood by my side, checked in on me, brought me coffee or food when I couldn't make any for myself, and for just sitting with me even though I didn't feel like talking. I appreciate all of you and all that you've done. I would not have made it through without you.
It has been a slow uphill battle to climb out of my depression this time. I have had to lean on a lot of my loved ones, which thankfully are always there for me and very understanding. When this all started I noticed a lack of wanting to do things I love. One of those things being crocheting. One of my absolute favorite things to do is listen to books and crochet. For the last year, I have just looked at yarn and thought 'ugh it takes so much time to make things. Why bother? It's useless, you could be doing something productive and you're not even doing that.' All those self-doubts and self-hate when I was feeling down just seemed to pile up and circle around my head; making me even less productive because I could only focus on those thoughts.
Thank you to everyone who has stood by my side, checked in on me, brought me coffee or food when I couldn't make any for myself, and for just sitting with me even though I didn't feel like talking. I appreciate all of you and all that you've done. I would not have made it through without you.
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